We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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