Don't make out with my wife yet
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
