im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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