it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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