god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
