There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
