Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize