I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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