I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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