i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
