you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
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