if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
