My room smells like vodka and shame
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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