Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
