Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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