this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
