How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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