Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
