Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
