i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
