I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize