It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
