I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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