I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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