Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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