don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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