i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
