Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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