I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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