Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
