girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
