My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
