If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
cat food counts as protein by the way
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
