remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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