watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
