my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize