I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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