I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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