I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
