you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
