She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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