barbara walters just said penis...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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