dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
