How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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