I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
