cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
