If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
