It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize