Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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