Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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