When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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