I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize