Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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