An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
