So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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