i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We need to get me chipped asap
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
