i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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