I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Pooping to opera.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
