I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
